Awkward.

Is there any other word in the English language that has two Ws with only one consonant between them? That, in and of itself seems awkward. And so will this transition...

When I first saw my book on an actual bookstore actually on sale (instead of me putting my advanced copy on different shelves around the house and pretending that it was in a bookstore) (WHAT? IT'S EXCITING) I freaked out and took a picture and cried and maybe stared down a little kid for not immediately rushing to buy it.

The book hits the shelves! Taken at the Borders in the King of Prussia Mall. I know, there's a mall named after the monarch of a country that no longer exists. Wacky.

After I downloaded the picture and sent it to my agent (I believe the subject title of the email was "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" or something like that) he said, "Did you offer to sign any?"

What? How weird would that be? Hi, I wrote this, and I demand you let me deface these books. How would they know that I was really the author? Maybe I'm just some lunatic with a Sharpie. But Dan told me that it's common practice, and a good thing to do--people like to buy books that are signed by the author. So from this point on, I could not go into a bookstore without offering to sign copies of my book.

Now I'm not a shy person by any stretch of the imagination.

Evidence of my complete lack of shyness. And my ability to entertain myself.

But it's weird to offer up your signature to complete strangers. It seems really egotistical, very Look At Me, and not in an awesome Look At My Awesome Dance Moves sort of way.

So I've developed this really awkward routine when going into a bookstore (like I did today in the Barnes & Noble in Huntington Station, NY).

Me: (standing at the Customer Service desk, holding a copy of my book, looking down and shuffling my feet) Hi.

Vikki (I looked at her name-tag): Can I help you?

Me: So this is weird, but I wrote this book.

Vikki: Great!

Me: So, um, do you want me to sign a couple of copies? I have a pen.

Vikki: Okay, great.

Me: I totally wouldn't be offering to do this if I hadn't written the book.

Vikki: Um...okay. Let me get the Signed By the Author stickers.

Me: (signing books) So...BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH (I launch into some sort of story about nothing in particular, like "Is there any other word in the English language besides 'awkward' that has two Ws with only one consonant between them?" because I am just not a very cool person who is comfortable with just signing a couple of books and moseying on out like that's a totally normal part of my day)

Vikki: (nervous laughter)

Me: BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. (Now there is a line of people who actually need customer service behind me and I am done with signing the five books and I CAN'T STOP MY TALKING FACE)

Vikki: Well, thanks, and good luck with your book.

Me: (as I'm walking away) BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH (until Vikki is out of earshot, usually when I leave the building)

So, an open note to all future bookstore employees who have to deal with me. I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm just nervous.

Also, a note to my stepsister Jessi: I am so, so sorry for setting off the house alarm this morning and waking you up after you warned me about it. Also so, so, so sorry for locking you out of the house. Today on the houseguest scale I rank somewhere between entire hair-metal band and poo-flinging monkey.